


The Great Minion Adventure

by katling



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Gen, Season/Series 02, This is just plain crack, Unashamed crack, but that's only a minor issue, probably late in season 2, some indeterminate time during season 2, way back in the day, written for a prompt on LJ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:47:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25926895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katling/pseuds/katling
Summary: In which House has thestrangestdream about minions and adventures and the dreaded fearsome Cuddy.
Relationships: (if you squint) - Relationship, Greg House & James Wilson, Greg House/James Wilson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 35





	The Great Minion Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> This was written waaaaay back in 2005 (dear god, is that really 15 years ago?) in the middle or towards the end of Season 2 and I don't think I posted it anywhere other than on LJ. I can't remember exactly what prompted me to write it, except that I think it had something to do with a discussion on LJ about minions, ducklings and... yeah, who knows what else. It is just pure crack, no seriousness involved.
> 
> I do remember that someone made me a [delightful gif icon based on this fic](https://imgur.com/oHMzCj7). :D

House limped into his office, resolutely ignoring the three doctors in the conference room, and collapsed into the chair behind his desk. He’d spent the entire morning in the clinic dealing with increasingly whiny children and their increasingly whiny parents, Cuddy was after his blood and quite possibly his first born children for something he hadn’t quite worked out, Wilson was surprisingly and disappointingly absent and the humid, muggy weather was making his leg play merry hell. Thankfully, he’d walked into his office this morning to find a full bottle of Vicodin sitting on his desk courtesy of the aforementioned missing Wilson and he gratefully swallowed two of the white pills and hoped that would be enough to allow him to see out the day…or at least the next few hours.

He grabbed his iPod and slowly lowered himself onto the floor. He put the headphones on, started up the music and closed his eyes as the insistent starting melody of The Who’s Baba O’Riley belted out. He sighed in satisfaction and closed his eyes, not even noticing when he dropped off to sleep.

He was startled awake by the sound of a distant roar and he scrambled to his feet, somehow not finding it at all odd that he was now wearing slightly tarnished silver armour overlaid with a blue surcoat emblazoned with a crossed cane and small bottle and had a large sword strapped to his waist. He grabbed his cane and limped out into the conference room where his loyal minions sat idling the hours away.

Foreman sat closest to him, resplendent in his black enamelled armour and black surcoat. A fierce mace sat propped against the table near him and a set of lockpicks rested near his hand. Chase sat opposite Foreman, his silver armour gleaming in the overhead lights and the emblem of the Order of the Wombat proudly displayed on his surcoat. He was idly shining his long sword and looked up curiously as House entered the room. Cameron also looked over as House limped in; she was garbed in a flowing gown of the purest white silk and carried the implements of one learned in the healing arts. Her face glowed with kindness and the desire to aid those in pain.

House let his gaze rest fondly on his loyal minions. What trials they had been through together! What hardships they had endured! And yet they had always won through.

“Come, minions!” he said with a wry grin. “We must wreak havoc within the hospital. But beware the Cuddy for she lurks with evil intent!”

Chase sprang to his feet, sheathing his sword with a ringing note. “An excellent idea, my Lord House! We have not wreaked havoc for some time and we grow weary of this idleness.”

“’Tis about time we had some task laid before us,” Foreman grumbled, picking up the lockpicks and tucking them into a small pouch at his waist. He then picked up the mighty mace and slung it over one shoulder.

“But, my Lord House, where is your boon companion?” Cameron asked, her kind eyes filled with worry and gentle concern as she stood. “Surely you will not venture out without the gentle and noble Lord Wilson by your side?”

House’s brow furrowed as he looked around. “Forsooth, this is true. But where is he? Where is my boon companion? For I have not yet laid eyes upon him on this day. That he is here within the hospital is certain for he left a kind and timely gift for me this morn.”

“Let _us_ venture forth in search of Lord Wilson, my Lord,” Cameron said gently, gesturing to Foreman and Chase. “Sit you down and rest while we search, for your labours have been many and hard this fine day.”

House sat down in a chair at the table. “I am wearied by my labours, it is true. I shall rest here while you search. Go, my minions. Find my boon companion for I desire his company and wily humour.”

Foreman and Chase bowed deeply while Cameron curtsied prettily and the three minions boldly ventured out into the hospital. House waited impatiently for them, for in truth he was worried. It was all but unheard of for his gentle friend to be so absent. When his loyal minions finally returned he stood and braced himself against his cane.

“Well?” he demanded as his minions walked in. “What news?”

“Terrible news, my Lord House,” Chase said, his eyes filled with worry. “Lord Wilson has been captured. He had ventured out in search of sustenance for you and was returning armed with beer and pizza when he was waylaid. He is imprisoned beyond the clinic, guarded by the terrible Cuddy.”

House’s expression became intent and he drew his sword with his free hand. “Come, minions!” he called nobly. “Onward to the clinic! For there lies much anguish and torment and troubled waters that we must somehow traverse. But minions, should we prevail then our rewards shall be great. For _Wilson_ lies beyond the bane of the clinic and he shall have beer and pizza!”

Foreman let out a mighty battle cry as he swung his great mace around. Chase cheered with sparkling excitement as he drew his sword and clashed it against his Lord’s. Cameron clutched her hands together in front of her bosom and sighed prettily. She viewed the men before her with admiration and concern and prayed that Lord Wilson would be alright for Lord House would be most distraught if he was harmed.

House and his minions swept out of the Diagnostic Medicine conference room and charged down the hall, House’s limping rhythm setting the pace. Those in their path shrank aside and watched with wonder as House led his team through the hospital.

They slowed as they approached the glass doors of the clinic and saw the masses of humanity that swarmed beyond. House steeled himself and his minions followed suit then they pushed the doors open and charged in. The mass of humanity swarmed towards them and quickly surrounded them.

“Back! Back, you germ-ridden, feeble-minded loons!” House growled as he laid about him with his cane. “Take two aspirin and slink back to your lairs! Cameron! Smother them with niceness! Foreman! Steal their wallets! Chase! Stop acting like a small, furry wombat! The horizon is in sight and Wilson awaits.”

As House continued to beat off the mass of humanity with his cane, Cameron darted to and fro smiling and caring, sending the people running. Foreman wielded his mighty mace with terrible precision and his lockpicks with agility. Chase cowered for a moment then crept up to aid his fellows.

Finally, the mass of humanity fell back and slowly, ever so slowly fell to their knees, their foreheads resting on the ground in submission. House raised his cane and let out a mighty cry.

“Huzzah, minions!” he cheered. “We have conquered the clinic and all within now do bow down to our greatness.” A tremendous bellow rang out and House froze momentarily. “But lo! What is that which lurks beyond, barring our way to Wilson? Horrors! It is the Cuddy!” His minions drew back in fear and House rallied them with his words. “Nay, minions! Do not cower before her dreadful flame. Do not tremble at her terrible rage. We shall prevail, minions, if we do but stand firm.”

The great Cuddy lumbered out to confront them, roaring and belching flame. House gathered his minions to him and began issuing orders.

“Foreman! Make rude and insinuating remarks that give rise to doubts about my professionalism! Cameron! Fill out those forms…in triplicate! That shall distract the rampaging Cuddy and allow us safe passage.”

As Foreman and Cameron charged forward, movement from beside him drew his attention and he saw that the young and impressionable Chase had fallen to his knees, shaking in fear and indecision. House took his young protégé’s arm and drew him to his feet.

“Nay, young Chase,” he said with kind amusement. “Fall not to your knees. Rise and stand firm. Do not doubt thyself. Thy betrayal is in the past and should but stand firm now, it shall be forgotten.”

The young minion stood firm next to his lord and proudly proclaimed his loyalty. As they watched the tactics House had devised began to work. The fearsome Cuddy became distracted and concerned and soon began to retreat towards her lair.

House beamed at his young charges. “Come, minions! The Cuddy has been distracted by our wily ploys. Let us make our break for Wilson!”

House limped forward as rapidly as he could, his loyal minions following behind him. They burst through the outer doors to the clinic and found a concerned and frustrated Wilson standing in the clearing beyond. A table stood behind him, laden with beer and pizza.

“House!” Wilson called with relief. “I feared that the Cuddy would be too great even for you and your loyal minions.”

House strode forward and clasped his boon companion in a fierce embrace. “Never, my friend! We would have faced dangers far greater than the Cuddy to return you to your place at my side.”

“House?” Wilson said almost urgently.

House frowned. “My friend, what ails you? Do you not see that I stand before you?”

“House!” Wilson repeated, his tone almost one of fear.

House was about to question his boon companion once more when he felt a strange darkness creep up on him and then he knew nothing.

“House, please. Come on, Greg. Don’t do this to me. Wake up!”

House groaned and slowly pried his eyes open. He blinked a few times to clear his vision and found Wilson’s worried face looming over him.

“What the hell?” he groaned, his voice raspy and hoarse.

“That’s what I want to know,” Wilson replied. “What happened? Foreman came and found me. He said you wouldn’t wake up and were convulsing slightly.”

House groaned as he tried to sit up. Wilson helped him with careful hands then the oncologist picked the bottle of Vicodin up from the desk.

“How many did you take?” he asked worriedly.

“Just two,” House replied, clutching his pounding head. He looked around to find Foreman, Chase and Cameron standing on the other side of the desk, looking concerned while Cuddy stood in the doorway, a worried frown on her face.

“Just two,” House repeated. “Gave me strange dreams.”

“I’m having them checked,” Wilson replied firmly, shoving the bottle into the pocket of his lab coat. “You shouldn’t have been convulsing after taking two Vicodin.” He paused and looked curiously at his friend. “What do you mean ‘strange dreams’? What did you see?”

House looked at the doctors gathered in his office and began to snicker. “You’d never believe me if I told you.”


End file.
